Should Divorcing Couples be forced to Mediate?

The Government is keen to encourage all couples who are divorcing to attend Mediation.  They consider this better for the couple so that they can avoid the costs, both financial and emotional, of going through the Court system.  We even have High Court judges speaking out telling people they should not get divorced at all.

The Government laments the reduction in marriage and the increase in cohabitation.  The Government does not make the link that more couples are avoiding the pain of Divorce by avoiding marriage.

The Government has closed, or plans to close, up to 40% of our Courts. Is it not more honest to say to people the State does not have sufficient resource to cope with litigated Divorce rather than present Mediation as a benefit to the couple?  A panacea of  success and a remedy to the malaise of the bitter, contested divorce.

Mediation is voluntary.  To make it compulsory undermines its fundamental ethos. Mediation should be considered, as it is now, but couples should choose whether they wish to proceed.

If Mediation is to be made compulsory then Mediators need to be regulated more thoroughly and there needs to be a better vetting system.  It takes 6 years to become a solicitor. After that another 3 before you can supervise others.  It takes 3 days to train as a Mediator. You then need to be supervised for a number of hours before you can Mediate alone. Virtually anyone can train as a Mediator. The training providers have a discretion to allow those without a degree to train. Any degree?  Any background?  The quality of Mediators and their knowledge of family law varies widely.

This Mediation focus reminds me of HIPS.  A whole training industry blosoomed and made money out of individuals seeking a new career on the back of Government policy.  The Government then reversed their policy.

Records need to be kept as to how many Consent Orders are as a result of a Mediated Agreement. Mediators need to have a minimum knowledge of family law greater than the half a day provided on some courses.

Couples need to understand that the Mediator cannot give legal advice and they need to obtain legal advice from their solicitor as they proceed through the process.

Most Mediation referrals come via solicitors. A growing proportion of family law solicitors are also Mediators.  Most solicitors I know who also practice as Mediators find the process rewarding. Some have chosen to become full time Mediators. 

I beleive that Mediation can work, that the quality of the Mediator is paramount and we are looking to expand our Mediation pracitce and employ another Mediator. If people are unable to Mediate, whether both or one of the couple is against it then Mediation will not work. Unfortunately, Mediation does break down but there are inadequate statistics available to be able to properly analyse its usefulness and growth.

She must be mad to leave me!

Some men are genuinely shocked when they receive a divorce petition.  Mr Savva from Crouch End went to the Court of Appeal to defend his divorce on the basis that his wife lacked mental capacity - if she wanted to leave him then she must be mad and needed a psychiatric assessment. He did not succeed.  The full story is reported in the Telegraph.

When my first marriage ended my husband used to come home from work later and later. I asked him to make sure he was home by 7 30pm.  I used to call him every night to make sure he had left work to start preparing the evening meal.  Then I stopped calling.  He started arriving home at 9pm and had to feed himself.  Then I divorced him and he was shocked saying he thought our marriage had improved because I had stopped nagging him and he could now do as he pleased.

So, for all you potentially surprised men out there, here are a few signs that your marriage may be over but you have not been told yet:

1. She stops nagging you - You can go on as many golfing holidays as you like, stay out all night, not text or phone her  and there is no backlash.  Unless your wife has been on a Tony Robbins weekend this is not a good sign.  This is a sign that she no longer cares what you do.

2. Your wife moves out of the bedroom - this needs no explanation. Mr Savva's wife said she had slept alone for 8 years, He said it was because of her business paperwork, she needed space, the house was a mess.  Unless you are a chronic snorer, and even then, there is only one explanation - she wants to get away from you.

3.  Your wife takes a new interest in her appearance, loses weight, new clothes, plastic surgery. If your intimate relationship is also on the slide this could be a sign she has found or is looking for someone new.

4.  Your wife has a new set of friends that she sees without you.

5.  Anything else different that makes you feel uncomfortable.  Men are not usually good at spotting these signs,but if something does not add up there is usually a reason for it.

If you are a woman the above list does not apply - men act differently when they move on and that is the subject of a future post...

Divorce? Don't even think about it!!

The Daily Mail has a Senior High Court Judge announcing that he has launched a campaign to promote marriage.  His view on marriage:

'It involves endless hard work, compromises, forgiveness and love. However right the person is, they might not be right two years later. It doesn't matter how wonderful you appear to be to your partner at the beginning, you will begin to display faults that we all have.

'In order for a relationship to last, you have to hang in there and adjust and change and alter and understand. Long, stable marriages are carved out of the rock of human stubbornness and selfishness and difficulties.' 

He says we need to end the Hello style divorce and the increase in older couples getting divorced is disturbing - adult children in their 20s and 30s can still be hurt.  


My aunt got divorced after 40 years of marriage and misery and her 6 children all supported.  My uncle was, let's say a lovable rouge.  My aunt is now in a much happier marriage and my uncle... he is dead... Wait for someone to die then? Die miserable yourself?


People now live longer,if you are born today you can expect to live until you are 104, life is easier and the focus on survival and mutual need is gone.  Plus since the 1970s women have had equal rights. So, if you marry when you are in your early twenties (as I did) you can expect to be with your partner for 80 years.

Lots of people marry the wrong person and for the wrong reason. People change so much and can grow in opposite directions. In my experience nobody takes the decision to divorce lightly, but equally nobody regrets it.


Since my first divorce I have made it my quest to find a long term happy couple ... my parents seem to have an affectionate regard for one another but apart from that I have drawn a blank.  Again, in my experience many of those who present a united front seethe with hatred in private or live totally separate lives.


Marriage is expensive and so is divorce, emotionally as well as financially.  

What if you could marry for 10 years and then choose whether to remarry for a further 10 years or split? What if the Government made laws that made it clear what would happen to your money and your children when you split?  What if Judges offered similar judgements that we could all follow?  What if people who lived together had even limited  financial responsibility for each other on separation? What if everybody married for love? What if there were no gold diggers, wife beaters, horrid, mean controlling people, liars, cheats and thieves? What if...

 

Does Mediation Work?

Yes..... but there is a catch..... only if you both want it to work!!!!

Life has a habit of giving you what you want and desire rules the world and convincing someone to do something they don't want to do is virtually impossible.

How to approach mediation and get what you want from your ex partner.

1. Do not criticise them

2. Use sincere praise - very difficult I know but....

3. Communicate and this means listening more than talking

4. The art of persuasion is simple..... make the other party feel that you genuinely care about them and that you want what is best for them. Work together to achieve a successful joint solution.

I am not good at applying this art but Lincoln was fantastic at it. Copy him not me!!!!

Divorce Solicitors reveal petty goods their clients fight over

There is a lack of celebrity divorces to write about at present.  To fill the gap Nick Britten from The Telegraph has asked divorce lawyers to revel their worst tales....

Not as interesting as you might think... not on a par with suits being cut and expensive wine collections being left on neighbours' doorsteps.

Where emotions run high and the level of acrimony is extreme the combatants are rarely able to move on...  we all know bitter, angry people we prefer to avoid...

Unfortunately, people who come out of divorces with an estranged ex who is full of anger cannot expect that things will settle down...

Real life example:
When a husband left his ex wife he requested 2 wine glasses from their extensive collection.  He was allowed only one which he has yet to collect...
 A sign that there was an objection to him sharing a glass of wine with someone special?
Obviously!
Is it ok for him to have a partner now 4 1/2 years later?
Unfortunately no...
Will it ever be ok?
Probably not....
Does it make any difference if the ex wife gets a boyfriend?
No!
Why?
Nobody knows....  
 

If you feel any emotion apart from relief and sadness at your divorce then it is in your interest to seek professional help to get over any jealousy, anger, hatred or the need for revenge...

What is family Law Arbitration?

Arbitration is now available for Family Law disputes.  It was set up last month by the non profit making Institute of Family Law Arbitrators

What does it do?

It enables couples, in a financial dispute following separation, to achieve a settlement without the need to go to Court but with the certainty that once they sign up to Arbitration the Arbitrator's decision is final...

What are the advantages?

It is more flexible.  It can even be conducted via written statements.  It can cover only one issue if necessary and can take place instead of or even during litigation.

You can choose your Arbitrator - so far only 20 are available on the website but another 20 are qualified and there is a queue for training.

It is private and confidential.  A very important consideration for the super wealthy who do not want their private lives examined in detail in the Daily Mail et al for the sake of "public interest"...

You still need a lawyer each to advise you but it aims to be cheaper and less stressful than Court Proceedings and has the certainty that Mediation and Collaborative Law lack.

What does the Institute of Family Arbitrators say?:
 
" IFLA developed the arbitration scheme to enable parties to resolve financial disputes more quickly, cheaply and in a more flexible and less formal setting than a court room. It is also expected to save court resources and reduce pressure on the already stretched family courts."

Who will use the scheme?

I have yet to meet a separating couple who are concerned about the Courts' resources but the scheme should appeal to wealthy, separating couples who are used to being in control of their lives and seek a private settlement to their dispute.

Contribution argument succeeds in Gay divorce

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The Court of Appeal has ruled on the case of Pete and Don - a wealthy city chap and a fabulous West End actor.  Having lived together for 11 years, the Court took account of the pre marital cohabitation - sorry pre Civil Partnership Cohabitation, which removed the divorce from the short marriage list.  This is the norm now.  


Bizarrely, if you cohabit for 20 years and marry for 12 months you are probably going to have to half your assets with your ex, even if they contributed nothing financially.  If you cohabit for 20 years and split and keep all assets in your name and your ex makes no financial contribution you will pay your ex nothing.  It's not difficult to workout why marriage is a less popular choice these days Mr Cameron.


The Court of Appeal have ruled that the Judge in the lower court was wrong not to give sufficient weight to the pre marital contribution made by City High-Flyer Peter Lawrence.  His ex partner Don Gallagher, a famous West End star, will receive £300,000.00 less as a result.


The case was reported in The Independent


Mr Lawrence said: "The case was not in fact about the principles of civil partnership, which are the same as on divorce, but about how to divide assets which were largely brought into the relationship by one party."


Hmm wonder what Mr Gallagher's view is on that...


The Judges said it was fair... Do you agree or no?  A catch phrase used by an Italian I used to know to browbeat people into submission... 

The brave new world of 3 parents

The Court of Appeal has ruled that a gay father can have a fuller role in his son's life who is being brought up  by a lesbian couple.

As The Telegraph reported Lord Justice Thorpe said:

 "It is generally accepted that a child gains by having two parents. It does not follow from that that the addition of a third is necessarily disadvantageous". 

The focus is on the welfare of the child, not the sometimes selfish wishes of the parents. The lesbian mothers wanted the gay father to have a subordinate role and for them to be the primary parents.  The Judge stated that given all 3 parents had high powered jobs it appeared that the nanny was the child's main carer.   The Judge also rejected that an agreement reached before the child was born could be enforced as life is not so simple - people change, circumstances change and the child had a lot to gain from a relationship with his father.

What happens if the lesbians split up?  A three way care plan?  Shared parenting could get complicated.  

Research suggests that a child's secret wish is for their parent's to reconcile - in this case the biological parents did have a marriage of convenience.  Is this child going to grow up wishing for the impossible as well as the highly unlikely that most children of divorce secretly wish for?  

Separating homosexuals should not share assets in same way as heterosexuals?

A city financier has taken his case to the Court of Appeal to argue that his ex whom he separated from in 2008, after a Civil Partnership of only 7 months but cohabitation of 11 years should not have a share of his assets acquired prior to the relationship.  Why not?  Equal rights but only if it works in my favour, otherwise selective equal rights?  They are arguing that husband and wives are different because they are more likely to have children.  They also argue that a homosexual couple are more likely to have joint careers.  I disagree - plenty of homosexuals support their partner but also so what?  The case should be decided on its own facts not on what one side terms the norm.

The case is reported in The Telegraph

They could of course raise a contribution argument - an asset should be ringfenced because it was acquried a long time before the relationship began.  The counter argument to that, and the one that has succeeded so far is one of need.  This was the matrimonial home which after Miller V Miller in Supreme Court takes special priority - even if one party did contribute everything.

The Judges will have to ensure their judgement is fair... someone will be unhappy...

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